kayray.org

Therapy day, yay!

I told Suzanne about this wonderful new feeling I’ve been experiencing. It’s an overwhelmingly positive feeling that I experience when I’m with Dave (which is basically all the time) but it’s very hard to describe. It’s a feeling of floatiness, airiness, freedom, almost a feeling of disappearing and being unaware of my “self”.

When I told her about it, she got this look of incredible happiness and even tears in her eyes, and she told me I’m experiencing the feeling of being PRESENT in a relationship. She says the part that has disappeared is the “avatar Kara”, that I set up to protect myself in all other past relationships, the persona I’ve used as a filter to make sure I don’t say or do anything that will upset my partner. I don’t need an avatar anymore! For one thing, Dave is so easy-going and loving and dependable that I feel completely safe. Also my mental health is so much better now that I know it would be ok even if he DID get upset with me! It wouldn’t make me panic. We would work it out. There’s no way I could say “the wrong thing” and lose him.

I don’t need to monitor my every move anymore! It’s remarkable. Absolutely remarkable. I’m so proud of myself! Ten years of fairly intense therapy work has paid off more than I could ever have imagined.