still alive?!

The last time I titled a post “Still Alive” it was to let you know that, even though I hadn’t posted in a long time, I was, indeed, still alive.

Today I’m using the same title but more in a “Wtf? I’m still alive?!?!” sense. If you’ll remember, back in January of 2019 my pulmonologist told me I had a year, maybe two, to live if I didn’t get a lung transplant. After a lot of consideration, and after talking it over with my therapist who works with transplant patients and knows how it goes, I said no thank you — I prefer to live out my days, however brief, without endless tests and operations and stress and even more anxiety, thank you very much.

Well! That was two and a half years ago! I thought Christmas of 2019 might be my last. I thought I wouldn’t see my niece turn 7, or my granddaughter turn 3. Those birthdays have come and gone and we’re rounding the corner on 8 and 4!

My health is degrading, of course. I have ever less energy, need more meds, need more oxygen, can do fewer things. But dammit I am still here! Nearly halfway through 2021 and I can totally imagine seeing next Christmas. (knock on wood)

I survived that subdural hematoma, against the odds. I’ve survived multiple bouts of atrial fibulation. I’ve survived heartbreak. I’ve survived a global pandemic. I’ve survived deep, black, seemingly inescapable episodes of depression.

And. I. Am. Still. Alive.

Hello! Sorry for being so large! Imgur no longer allows me to embed thumbnails. Grrr.

Category: Blog 3 comments »

3 Responses to “still alive?!”

  1. Catharine Eastman

    And you’re AMAZING! And we all care about you and are ecstatic that you’re. Still. Alive!!!!!

  2. Beth

    Hooray for being still alive!

    I was listening to the reboot of Brenda Dayne’s Cast On podcast last night. She has revisited some favorite essays from the first few years of the podcast before she took her 6-year break. And I am sure that the piece she included in the one I was listening to last night was read by you! Didn’t you do some reading for Cast On back in the old days? When people wrote essays but didn’t want to read them themselves? It made me really happy to hear your voice again, unexpectedly. Thank you for all the ways you have sent it out into the world.

    And I hope you have a fabulous train trip! I really enjoyed travelling along with you when you took the train out to NY the last time.

  3. Kathy

    I am overjoyed you are still alive, my treasured and amazing sister.


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