Samstag
No sleep. Like, literally maybe three hours cumulatively. I think I figured it out, though. On several doctors’ recommendation I’ve been taking a cannabis gummy, very low dose, just about every night for several years, to help ease medication side effects such as pain and nausea, and to give me a little appetite. Realized recently that it was linked to some of my tachycardia events so I quit taking them at the end of October, I think, or early November. Easy, not addicted, don’t crave it at all. I only miss being hungry. It was so nice when food seemed appetizing once a day.
Last night it occurred to me to check with Dr. Google.
My symptoms align EXACTLY with marijuana withdrawal. And I mean exactly. Gahhhhh.
In theory, this is probably the worst of it now, and within a few days it might start to ease, and then get better and better over 20 days or so. I hope. Lol.
So I’ve decided to be as kind to myself as if I were an addict in treatment. No scolding myself for being sweaty, greasy, and unambitious. All the self-care I can manage. If I can’t sleep, I’ll figure out some way to amuse myself instead of being anxious about not sleeping. And I’m not going to spiral out about how bad I feel. This WILL get better.
Henry’s little family has travelled by Amtrak to California for Jayla’s Grandma’s funeral, and my Englishman is still out of town, so today Henry came over and he did some chores for me and now we are having lovely quiet Henry-and-Kara time. So rare, so treasured. Watched a couple episodes of Taskmaster and now The Sting. Pausing frequently to chat about things.
Last night while trying to fall asleep I fell into the Pit of Dark Despair. Couldn’t stop crying, felt panicky and awful. It got really bad so I called the crisis hotline that I’ve had stored in my phone for YEARS. They wouldn’t talk to me cause I don’t live in California anymore, and the Oregon number they gave me was disconnected, but I managed to Google and found a crisis hotline specific to my county! A lovely woman picked up right away and let me sob and vent. We did slow breathing together, and she listened, and sympathized, and offered gentle support. It was so incredibly helpful, and after about fifteen minutes I stopped crying, felt much better, thanked her, said goodnight, and hung up. Managed to sleep for two hours too.
The moral is: if you have mental health issues, please google your local crisis hotline NOW, call to make sure the number works, and store it in your phone for the future. You’re allowed to call in ANY kind of mental health crisis. You don’t need to be suicidal. Call before you get to that point. They want to help! Xxx