kayray.org

An old, old favorite

“It’s nice to know that though we’re small there’s always room to grow, and that’s about the size of it!”

You may ask yourself — how does Kara, a Californian, access all those great UK tv shows? There are three super-shady methods that I employ:

1. Torrents. I belong to a private torrent tracker with draconian rules but great content and torrents that aren’t dead.
2. A couple of subreddits offer UK tv shows and are very convenient, if you get to them before the links go dead. Search reddit for a show and episode number, e.g. “Sewing Bee s07e01”. Can stream or download. You’ll have the best luck if searching for shows that are currently airing. (This is the easiest option for the non-technologically inclined)
3. A DNS proxy. I pay about $6/month for a service that makes it appear that I’m in the UK, so I can watch the MOUNTAINS of streamable content on the iPlayer, channel 4, and ITV. (In the olden days, a VPN did the trick but the hosts got wise to that trick)

I only cried once today so far.

i keep bursting into tears for no reason. everything is impossibly difficult. therapy appointment with lovely suzanne on friday, just need to hang on till then, just two more nights WHY AM I LIKE THIS

Here’s a cool thing that Henry found on bandcamp — a recording of choral piece my dad wrote in 1967, performed by the New Music Choral Ensemble and conducted by Dad’s dear friend Kenneth Gaburo. I remember visiting him when I was little.

https://kennethgaburo.bandcamp.com/track/robert-shallenberg-lilacs

P.S. it’s a setting of a poem by Walt Whitman

Feeling a little better today. I finished sewing a Tiny Red Suit for Granddaughter #2 (due in August). It’s annoying and frustrating not to have enough energy to sew a whole project in one session — this one took four days, a little each day — but at least I can still make things if I take enough time. 

Hideously tired. Doing nothing. Watching Line of Duty and waiting for bedtime.

Tired from my library visit yesterday. Did a tiny bit of sewing, a tiny bit of knitting, a lot of reading.

Re-watching series 3 of Line of Duty, a really excellent British cop drama.

It has been two weeks since my second Pfizer vaccine and our library has finally opened again, with limited hours and lots of safety protocols, after, what, more than a year — so today Em and I went to the library together!

So amazing to go somewhere and do something together. And the library was just wonderful and felt very safe. Doors propped wide open for fresh air (the main thing). Toys removed from kids‘ room. Plexiglass barriers to protect librarians. Everything spaced wide apart. Librarian met us at the door to make sure we were masked and to explain the common-sense rules. Got a stack of books!

I noticed that WordPress has a setting for threaded comments so I enabled them. Now I just need some comments to test it on. Also I made newer comments show up at the top of the pile. Not sure if that will be annoying or cool… I can easily switch it back.

Tired today, but I traced the pattern and cut out the pieces for a tiny baby suit! Hope to sew it tomorrow.

Mmkay time to drink a tall glass of grapefruit juice with ice and watch the new episode of Taskmaster!

I’m slowly crawling out of the Pit of Despair. It seems possible that I might feel happy again someday. Today I SEWED. Just for half an hour, but that was enough time to whip up a pair of Tiny Pants for Granddaughter #2, arriving in August.

Also braved the horrible cold gray weather (when oh when will Spring arrive?) and took a tiny walk. I walk as slow as a sloth and use my walker for support (and to carry my oxygen), but I walked to the corner and back.

I’m overwhelmed by the number of thoughtful, caring messages I’ve received, most from complete strangers, after talking about my current bout of depression. Thank you, dearest family, friends, and friends-I-haven’t-met, thank you. You are helping me greatly.

Today was better. i feel on the low end of neutral I guess. I’m not in the Black Pit of Despair. I ate food several times and it tasted like food instead of like sawdust.

Two things that everyone with depression must remember:

1. Depression LIES

2. You won’t feel like this forever

Henry and I love watching Baumgartner Restoration videos. Julian Baumgartner is an art restorer/conservator. He’s calm and talented and his videos manage to be fascinating and soothing at the same time. Here’s a good episode to get you started. It’s the first part in a recent three-part series about a painting that was seriously messed up. Enjoy.

I haven’t been eating anything but apples, goat cheese, yogurt, and grapefruit juice. It’s very hard for me to eat when I’m depressed. This morning I woke up feeling a bit better, so I jumped right on it and splurged on pizza delivery. Vegetarian — olives, mushrooms, onions, garlic, tomatoes, peppers. i ate a few slices over the course of the day and have plenty leftover for tomorrow and the next day, if I can eat.

It was nice feeling less gloomy for a few hours. Took a shower and washed my hair. Sat in the sun for 20 minutes. Emptied the wastebaskets in my room. Watched the new episode of Line of Duty on the BBC. Played Cozy Grove. Listened to Mom playing Bach.

Feeling lower than dirt again now (Lies my brain tells me: i’m a horrible person, i‘m not lovable, i’m a problem, i’m annoying, i’m useless and worthless and pointless, you know) but it’s finally bedtime so i can sleep and maybe i’ll feel less awful again for a few hours tomorrow

Alive. Struggling.

Edit: oh, hah I didn’t miss a day. My laptop is set to UK time so I got confused.

Having a hard time. Still alive.

Ein neues Video für euch. A new video for y’all. Forgive the small errors please. I am well aware of them.

Managed to climb out of my Pit of Despair long enough to get it done, yay me.

Sad today. Life, ya know? It cheered me up to watch the first episode of the new season of “The Great British Sewing Bee” with Niece. This link should work for a few days, and then you can search that same subreddit for subsequent eps each Wednesday: the_great_british_sewing_bee_s07e01/

I shall now show off my beginner Finnish:

Um. Why does Finnish render in a smaller font? I didn’t do that on purpose. Did all the umlauts confuse wordpress?

Woke up after a good sleep, feeling fine. Ate yogurt, gave Niece her German lesson, played a little Cozy Grove (on both Switch and iPhone). But by 11am I was ready to go back to bed and lie down and wait for bedtime.

What I WANT to do:

finish sewing my wool bliaut (medieval gown)
sew lots of clothes for all my little relatives
knit something (anything)
clean my room
record audiobooks
cook something (anything)

But yeah. What I have the energy for is nothing. Days like this I always worry that this is my new normal. It will be, for certain, one day soon. Is this the day I don’t snap back from?

I realize this sounds like I’m depressed but my mood is actually ok! If this is the beginning of the end, well, so be it. I’ve lived longer than any doctors predicted. I have the world’s coziest bed. A family who loves me. And a DNS proxy so I can watch all the UK tv shows I want.

If I rest for a while now I might have the energy to play a bit of WoW later :)

Slept ten hours, solid. Woke up feeling like myself again. One day of discomfort in exchange for peace of mind and being a Good Citizen? Yes please!

It’s Sunday night. I ended up having a fairly rough day. As the day progressed, I felt much more achy, fatigued, and generally crappy. Hot eyes and skin (but no fever). Tylenol helped the pain somewhat. I lay in bed and watched murder shows and Antiques Roadshow (UK), listened to audiobooks, played on my phone, and waited for time to pass.

It’s now 36 hours after my second vaccine and I’m starting to feel much better. I think a good night’s sleep will wrap this up.