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Tired from my library visit yesterday. Did a tiny bit of sewing, a tiny bit of knitting, a lot of reading.

Re-watching series 3 of Line of Duty, a really excellent British cop drama.

It has been two weeks since my second Pfizer vaccine and our library has finally opened again, with limited hours and lots of safety protocols, after, what, more than a year — so today Em and I went to the library together!

So amazing to go somewhere and do something together. And the library was just wonderful and felt very safe. Doors propped wide open for fresh air (the main thing). Toys removed from kids‘ room. Plexiglass barriers to protect librarians. Everything spaced wide apart. Librarian met us at the door to make sure we were masked and to explain the common-sense rules. Got a stack of books!

I noticed that WordPress has a setting for threaded comments so I enabled them. Now I just need some comments to test it on. Also I made newer comments show up at the top of the pile. Not sure if that will be annoying or cool… I can easily switch it back.

Tired today, but I traced the pattern and cut out the pieces for a tiny baby suit! Hope to sew it tomorrow.

Mmkay time to drink a tall glass of grapefruit juice with ice and watch the new episode of Taskmaster!

I’m slowly crawling out of the Pit of Despair. It seems possible that I might feel happy again someday. Today I SEWED. Just for half an hour, but that was enough time to whip up a pair of Tiny Pants for Granddaughter #2, arriving in August.

Also braved the horrible cold gray weather (when oh when will Spring arrive?) and took a tiny walk. I walk as slow as a sloth and use my walker for support (and to carry my oxygen), but I walked to the corner and back.

I’m overwhelmed by the number of thoughtful, caring messages I’ve received, most from complete strangers, after talking about my current bout of depression. Thank you, dearest family, friends, and friends-I-haven’t-met, thank you. You are helping me greatly.

Today was better. i feel on the low end of neutral I guess. I’m not in the Black Pit of Despair. I ate food several times and it tasted like food instead of like sawdust.

Two things that everyone with depression must remember:

1. Depression LIES

2. You won’t feel like this forever

Henry and I love watching Baumgartner Restoration videos. Julian Baumgartner is an art restorer/conservator. He’s calm and talented and his videos manage to be fascinating and soothing at the same time. Here’s a good episode to get you started. It’s the first part in a recent three-part series about a painting that was seriously messed up. Enjoy.

I haven’t been eating anything but apples, goat cheese, yogurt, and grapefruit juice. It’s very hard for me to eat when I’m depressed. This morning I woke up feeling a bit better, so I jumped right on it and splurged on pizza delivery. Vegetarian — olives, mushrooms, onions, garlic, tomatoes, peppers. i ate a few slices over the course of the day and have plenty leftover for tomorrow and the next day, if I can eat.

It was nice feeling less gloomy for a few hours. Took a shower and washed my hair. Sat in the sun for 20 minutes. Emptied the wastebaskets in my room. Watched the new episode of Line of Duty on the BBC. Played Cozy Grove. Listened to Mom playing Bach.

Feeling lower than dirt again now (Lies my brain tells me: i’m a horrible person, i‘m not lovable, i’m a problem, i’m annoying, i’m useless and worthless and pointless, you know) but it’s finally bedtime so i can sleep and maybe i’ll feel less awful again for a few hours tomorrow

Alive. Struggling.

Edit: oh, hah I didn’t miss a day. My laptop is set to UK time so I got confused.

Having a hard time. Still alive.

Ein neues Video für euch. A new video for y’all. Forgive the small errors please. I am well aware of them.

Managed to climb out of my Pit of Despair long enough to get it done, yay me.

Sad today. Life, ya know? It cheered me up to watch the first episode of the new season of “The Great British Sewing Bee” with Niece. This link should work for a few days, and then you can search that same subreddit for subsequent eps each Wednesday: the_great_british_sewing_bee_s07e01/

I shall now show off my beginner Finnish:

Um. Why does Finnish render in a smaller font? I didn’t do that on purpose. Did all the umlauts confuse wordpress?

Woke up after a good sleep, feeling fine. Ate yogurt, gave Niece her German lesson, played a little Cozy Grove (on both Switch and iPhone). But by 11am I was ready to go back to bed and lie down and wait for bedtime.

What I WANT to do:

finish sewing my wool bliaut (medieval gown)
sew lots of clothes for all my little relatives
knit something (anything)
clean my room
record audiobooks
cook something (anything)

But yeah. What I have the energy for is nothing. Days like this I always worry that this is my new normal. It will be, for certain, one day soon. Is this the day I don’t snap back from?

I realize this sounds like I’m depressed but my mood is actually ok! If this is the beginning of the end, well, so be it. I’ve lived longer than any doctors predicted. I have the world’s coziest bed. A family who loves me. And a DNS proxy so I can watch all the UK tv shows I want.

If I rest for a while now I might have the energy to play a bit of WoW later :)

Slept ten hours, solid. Woke up feeling like myself again. One day of discomfort in exchange for peace of mind and being a Good Citizen? Yes please!

It’s Sunday night. I ended up having a fairly rough day. As the day progressed, I felt much more achy, fatigued, and generally crappy. Hot eyes and skin (but no fever). Tylenol helped the pain somewhat. I lay in bed and watched murder shows and Antiques Roadshow (UK), listened to audiobooks, played on my phone, and waited for time to pass.

It’s now 36 hours after my second vaccine and I’m starting to feel much better. I think a good night’s sleep will wrap this up.

I was braced for all the possible 2nd Pfizer Covid vaccine side effects but it’s been easy so far. My arm is slightly sore, and I woke up at 2:30am and never went back to sleep. (Writing this at 6 as the sun comes up) My mom had insomnia after her first vaccine, but I haven’t read of it happening to anyone else, have you?

I have so many side effects from my other medications that it’s hard to know what’s Pfizer-effect and what’s Kara-normal. Are my joints a little more painful than usual? Maybe. Is my stomach a little more funny? I think so (but I can’t define “funny”. Just feels odd sometimes) Mild nausea is par for the course. Coincidence that it happened tonight?

Well, the insomnia is the only bothersome thing and whatever, I’ll just have an extra-tired day. NBD.

The symptoms I was dreading — headache, fever, and unusually crippling fatigue — haven’t hit at all yet and it’s been nearly 22 hours since I got my jab. I expect crippling fatigue today because I got 4 hours of sleep. No problem. I shall Netflix and Nap :)

I got my second Pfizer shot today! (Recap for people in the future — we’ve had a terrifying deadly global Covid-19 pandemic for over a year. The wonderful scientists have developed a few vaccines which are now being distributed. It took a while to get the distribution going but now it’s efficient and easy to get your jabs!)

I’m waiting for the side effects to hit… so far, just very mild soreness in my arm. Most people get a sore arm, maybe headache and fatigue. A few get fevers, chills, body aches, flu-like symptoms etc. but it only lasts a day or two and then we are about 95% protected from Covid!

In two weeks, when the vaccine is fully operational, I will go to the LIBRARY for the first time in over a year. They’ve been closed this whole time but will soon re-open with careful safety protocols (we vaccinated folks still need to mask up, stay distanced, etc)

Also hope to sit in my friend’s garden and enjoy the Springtime and seeing a human who isn’t in my household.

Better times are coming! Hang in there, everyone <3

I’ve been learning Finnish on Duolingo for the last few weeks. I chose Finnish because Finland is cool and Finnish is completely unrelated to English and German so it’s a real challenge and very interesting! I can already say a few useful things:

minä olen Kara. (I am Kara).

Suomi on hyvä maa. (Finland is a good country)

Hän on velho (She/he is a wizard)

I’ve been watching a Finnish crime drama (All the Sins) with English subtitles and I recognize some of the spoken words, which is thrilling!

Super sleepy, can’t stop yawning. Made soup, ate soup. Cozy Grove was released for Nintendo Switch last night! I had pre-ordered because I’ve had so much fun playing on my phone. I SUPER recommend Cozy Grove. It’s calm and sweet, with a focus on, you guessed it, being helpful. The game is doled out in small doses, and is meant to be played for maybe half-an-hour to an hour per day. Can’t say enough good things about it, seriously. Beautiful artwork, lovely storyline.

When I was in the hospital just before Christmas (another terrifying bout of atrial fibrillation) my mom got on FaceTime so she could play Christmas carols on the piano for me. Next day, when I was home, we FaceTimed again but switched to Bach (ahhhhhh Bach). Ever since then, we Facetime for about an hour almost every afternoon and she practices Bach and I listen while I read or play on my Switch or just rest. So nice to be able to spend time together sharing music that way, and I don’t need to do conversation.

It’s almost Bach o’clock!

Today is my little sister’s birthday (I live with her, her husband, and their daughter) so I pried myself up out of bed and bravely made choux buns! They turned out so pretty, especially the second batch, which are the ones I remembered to egg wash :D

I used this recipe:
https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/choux-pastry/

I don’t have a piping bag and didn’t want to fool with plastic bags so I just put spoonfuls of batter on the parchment paper and smoothed them out with fingers dipped in water.

For the filling, I simmered a cup of heavy cream with a scoop of coffee beans and a spoonful of sugar. Strained, chilled, whipped. Then I sliced open the buns and spooned in the filling. Half were coffee cream, and for the other half I whipped a cup of heavy cream with a spoonful of Nutella.

They’re waiting in the fridge to be eaten after dinner. I hope they taste as good as they look!

All worn out now so watching Mister Rogers with Niece <3

First, I want to thank everyone for the heartwarming comments, texts, and emails! Wow. A lot of people check on me and hope I’m ok, and a lot of people love my audiobook recordings. Wow. Just… wow. Thank you, everyone! <3

If I write something every day, instead of, like, once every 6 weeks, I can tell you about the small Good Things that I discover.

Today’s Good Thing is my current favorite bedtime snack. I always get really hungry just after I turn out my light to go to sleep, so I fix myself a snack ahead of time. My Snack of Choice lately is a sliced green apple and a lump of goat cheese. The tart crunchy apple, the creamy cheese… oh man, my mouth started watering as I typed this!

Since I have no income except my government SSI benefits that are just enough to cover my rent, I also get food stamps, which are not actually stamps anymore, but a handy debit card that is automatically refilled each month, with leftover funds carrying across from month to month. I can buy any kind of food or beverage, but not booze or vitamins. My benefits are nearly $200/month which is more than enough for a single vegetarian-type person who shops are Trader Joe’s. I have enough, after basics, that I can buy myself delicious treats, such as fresh pineapple and the aforementioned goat cheese. Yummy!